Safewords are more prevalent in the BDSM lifestyle, but what about for swingers? Surely there is a time when you want to indicate to your partner that you’re a NO for what’s being offered without offending the person or couple who are offering. Maybe it’s dancing and flirting with a couple on the dance floor, and your partner is like ‘Yes? You’re interested in this person to play with tonight?” You may not want to say out loud, “No, I’m not interested” in front of them and ruin the mood or offend them. So what can you do?
Some couples have code words worked out for just such a scenario. One couple I spoke to said they use fruits as an indicator. She doesn’t like lime, so might say something like ‘I taste lime in this drink’, or ‘with a lime twist’, to indicate she’s just not feeling it with this person. With a quick comment (or even a quick whispered word “Lime” in his ear) they have communicated clearly and without offending the other couple.
Likewise, when she is interested and would like to take it further, she uses ‘strawberry’ as their positive identifier. “Boy, it would be great to have some strawberries right now!” or “I smell strawberries!” and he knows he can help move the action from the dance floor to the playroom.
Using code words between you and your partner could help take some of the awkwardness out of communicating in front of others. It’s hard to say “Honey, while these people seem perfectly nice, I’m just not interested in them.” but dropping a code word that no one but your partner knows and understand is harmless and won’t hurt anyone’s feelings.
In the kink community, they use stoplight colors to indicate a willingness to participate. Green means GO, obviously. One could use this too while at a swing club “Oh look at that couple over there. I’m GREEN with envy over her shoes!”
Yellow usually indicates something is just not quite right and is often used as an indicator that play needs to slow down. Again, in swinging this could be good to extract yourselves from play that may have already started but you no longer are feeling it, and want to stop or take a break.
And Red is an All Stop safeword. In BDSM it is expected that if one says Red as a safeword, all play halts. Both or all participants can use a safeword, not just the bottom or sub. Likewise, in the swinging lifestyle, Red can be used to indicate to your partner that ‘you gotta get me out of here now!’ or ‘I am NOT into this and I am done.’
Of course, you and your partner should have this all worked out before you arrive at a club or party, so you are on the same page and you’re not throwing out code words that they aren’t picking up on it. Use words that aren’t likely to be used at a party or event, but aren’t so out of the blue (like saying ‘Broccoli’) that the other person or couple are left scratching their heads. Also, avoid using ‘boner killer’ words or phrases, like ‘your mother called today’, or it could kill the mood entirely.
This trick isn’t for everyone obviously. But if you think it might work for you, talk to your partner about it and come up with some safe or code words that just the two of you use. If nothing else, it’ll bring you closer together as honest and open communication skills are a cornerstone for the swinging lifestyle.
Good luck and have fun!