Tag Archives: Mia Moore

Guest Post: Dealing with Jealousy

Toronto swingers blog

Green Eyed Monsters!

Perhaps the most common problem that comes up time and again on swinger’s forums is the jealousy issue.

Sociologists define jealousy as “… a protective reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship or to its quality.” (Clanton and Smith 1998)  Moreover, the more restrictive a society is about sexuality, the higher the experience of jealousy for the people in that society. For example, native Eskimos men would share their wife with a guest visiting them as a form of hospitality, thus experiencing no jealousy.

In the 1960’s, when the subset of Swingers formed within our culture, the restrictive rules regarding adultery for them, were, if not abandoned, then changed dramatically. Couples started to negotiate their own set of do’s and don’ts, when it came to sex with other partners.

In 2007, the ability of Swingers to manage jealousy was noted in the British Journal of Psychology (de Visser and McDonald) which noted that setting of specific rules was the key to managing sexual play.

I’m going to explore the two different aspects of jealousy in a relationship and offer some of my own strategies I and Spike, my husband, have employed.

The most important point I want to stress is that jealousy arising in the Lifestyle is perfectly natural. The uncommon thing is that people like us do pretty darn well managing it. Working through an issue like this is, I think, the biggest contributor to the deep intimacy that Swingers have in their relationship with their spouse or Significant Other.

Okay then, what are the aspects of the Green Eyed Monster?

Well, it has two heads. What I mean is that there are two aspects of jealousy; two shades of green.

One is personal, and the other is relational.

On the personal side, jealousy arises when one of the members of a couple feels inadequate. Personal insecurities about oneself are the root. I’ll set the stage. Imagine Spike and me are at a Meet and Greet. A couple has announced one at a local bar, and Spike and I decide to go. We’ve dressed up nicely, and have our super secret code word that will let others know that we’re from the forum. We arrive, and there’s a group of twenty or so couples there enjoying cocktails, flirting and getting to know one another better.

I look the room over and see a guy who’s George Clooney’s clone. Sorry, but I have a thing about George Clooney. If you’ve read some of my books you’ll see that he pops up every now and then. I elbow my husband, and say something like “Let’s go say hi to those two.”

He looks over at them and says “Nope. He’s too damn good looking for my comfort.”

Okay, what just happened? Spike compared himself to that other fellow and in his own mind and came up wanting. Spike’s focusing on his own perceptions of his appearance, and is intimidated. In spite of what a wise man once said to never compare yourself to others, for you will always find greater and lesser persons than yourself, that’s what Spike did.

Now what do I do?

What I do at times like these (okay, what I TRY to remember to do) are two things. First of all, acknowledge what Spike just said, but secondly, change the focus. The acknowledgement is because I love and respect my husband; and if he’s feeling a little shaky or something and mentions it, I want him to know that I heard him.

The change of focus is my effort to get him out of the headspace he’s in.

So I would say something like:

“Yeah, he IS handsome. I hope he’s a good dancer, because you are.”

“Yes, he’s handsome, but you have nicer eyes. I wonder what HER favorite movie is?”

My goal is to acknowledge his insecurity, and at the same time, change his focus somewhat. Where the conversation between us goes from there can be anywhere, sure. The important point is a conversation was started.

Now here’s a second scenario. I know that I’m the only woman in the world this has happened to… yeah, right! LOL

We’re at this Meet N Greet, and somehow, Spike and I are separated, and when I see him, he’s on the opposite side of the room, chatting and laughing with a couple I don’t know, and I’m over here, BY MYSELF. And girls, let’s face it- IF HE REALLY LOVED ME…

I’m exaggerating here (a little) to make a point. My point is that in the majority of the cases, the PERCIEVED threat to the relationship doesn’t exist. Yes, Spike did something that I didn’t like. Yes, Spike was a little thoughtless. Here’s the thing- he won’t know unless I tell him.

And when I do tell him (he has a tendency to do this sort of thing, social butterfly that he is) he apologizes and sticks closer to me. We actually have a rule about that, but sometimes people forget or get distracted. That’s why they invented traffic tickets after all.

Setting aside the dynamics of jealousy, whether it is low self esteem or a valued relationship becoming threatened, the common and most effective advice in dealing with jealousy is communication. Whether you are entering the lifestyle or have been a member for a while and are experiencing feelings of jealousy, you have to talk to your partner.

Explain the scenario and then break it down into segments in order to be specific and measurable. Is it one person your partner plays with, that sets the feelings off? Is it the length of time and the degree of attention your partner is giving her/him? Do you play together as a couple or separate in a social gathering? Is it in a group setting or when it’s just a foursome or threesome?

These types of discussions need to be specific; I can’t emphasize that enough.

Here are examples of some rules that Spike and I agree with. I would never go have coffee with the male half of a couple we play with. That’s a rule we established very early on. Obviously, another guideline is to stick close to each other in new situations. A M/G at a new location is an example. Now if it’s the third time or so that we’ve been there, it’s more like getting together at a friend’s home and that guideline can be relaxed.

Here’s a question—if you and your SO were at a club, and a guy came up and asked the female part of your couple to dance, would you?

What if it was a woman asking the male half of your couple?

What if it was a woman asking the gal to dance?

And finally, why or why not would you agree to do so? I’ve given a few examples of things that can and do happen just to sort of prime the pump. BEEE CAWSSSE… as always, it’s the communication between you and your SO that’s the key to enjoyment.

Once you’ve narrowed down the situation or people who are triggering jealous feelings, you can work at creating a framework for play that you are both comfortable with. This isn’t an area where you can take one for the team. Both partners must be honest, open and respect each other’s boundaries.

When Spike and I first got into the Lifestyle, we were nervous and excited. But we each knew we were carrying a can of gasoline with a lit cigarette in our mouth—one wrong move and things can go very bad. Communication, before attending an event is critical for the sake of your relationship, which of course is paramount. In your relationship, you make love with your partner. In Swinging you are engaging in sexual play, a whole more fun than a bridge club for sure, but almost the same dynamic.

Aside from communication, patience and understanding there’s no easy band-aid for the problem of jealousy. It’s bound to come up and it hurts.  What could be worse than leaving a club in a snit, going home to argue for 2 hours, spending a sleepless night and then getting up the next morning to pick up the pieces?

And you tried swinging to enhance your relationship!

Maybe, you stepped too quickly into deeper water and need to take a step back to the comfort zone you both agree on.  In a social setting, there’s nothing wrong with just being with each other or soft swinging.  A HUGE attraction for Spike and I to the first couple we played with was the fact that they were so in love with each other. For a person dipping their toe in hedonistic waters, another couple’s strong relationship is reassuring and disintegrates any niggles of jealousy.

When the talking’s done with love and respect, the playing’s a lot more rewarding. The closeness that you and your SO share communicates to your playmates.

And I love being fucked by a good looking guy!

Always,

Mia Moore

Social Media: Feel free to visit with me online!

My Blog: http://miamooreauthor.blogspot.ca/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mia.moore.7503314

Small Steps- Some thoughts about a first time visit from a member

Toronto swingers blog

Hi Everyone!

I’m Mia Moore, and I am so grateful to be invited by Matt and Amanda to make post on this great blog. Anyone who’s reading this and has been to any of the TABOTA events, or attended the O Zone, know that there are great times, lots of laughter, and a night of erotic adventure! My post today is my take on those of you (or those you may know, don’t be shy to forward this blog to your friends) who have yet to Take A Bite. You’re at the edge of the pool, and would love to jump in… but, just how the heck do you?

When it comes to swimming, I’m a jump into the deep end kind of girl. But!

When it comes to my marriage, my committed relationship, I’m a small step woman. New things, big changes in this area are better done in small increments.

So! You and your Significant Other have talked about ‘maybe… just maybe…’ attending a Couple’s Club. You want to try something different, add some heat to your marriage, or maybe you’re crossing things off a bucket list. You’ve come down to an either or—‘Honey, we flip this coin, and either we go zip lining, or we’re going to attend the O Zone’. Hey, I’ve done both, and they’re both thrilling! Scary and exciting at the same time, you know?

So now you’re going to attend!

Okay… now what do you do?

First thing is set a date. I suggest a Saturday night, because they’re pretty much only couple’s nights. So you’ve decided that say, next week, you’re going to go. What the heck do you do between now and then? Maybe you’ve watched some hot porn together. Maybe you read a book or articles about what to expect. Information is a great tool.

Most importantly though, is to talk to each other. Honestly, I can’t over emphasize how important communication is. Here’s the great thing—before my husband and I attended a Couple’s Club for the first time, we talked about many, many things. Sometimes the discussion got a little intimidating because we were talking about our sex life and our intimate relationship. I want to shout from the rooftops that it was a wonderful and rewarding exercise.

Through our conversations, I learned so much more about him, and us, and how our relationship works.

What sort of things to talk about? Well, let’s take the bull by the hornies and look at some topics we explored. This is just a single example. Your Mileage May Vary.

Jealousy was one of the first topics. I have a trait of being insecure at times. It’s neither good nor bad, it’s the way I am. My husband isn’t as insecure as I am in certain ways, he has other traits. And we explored what could be my triggers and how could we deal with them?

For example, my husband asked me how would I feel if he slow danced with someone at the club? My gut response was strongly against the idea. Most importantly, I told him.

Then I turned the tables on him! LOL. ‘What if I slow danced with some guy, hunh?’ I asked. Grrrr… I found out it was a hot idea for him. Which then led to me saying that he didn’t care about me as much as I cared about him…

Which led to a deeper, more intense discussion. (Cough, cough). I learned that he’s not as insecure as me in this sort of way. To him, a dance is a dance—he knows who I’m going home with. His hot buttons are different. I learned that he’d be hurt, then angry if I ever went on a coffee date with a guy without him knowing. He could get jealous, but it would be different things that would set that off.

See how such a conversation can be wonderful?

We explored other topics too. Like body image issues—my spreading butt and his bit of a pot belly. Or, another example, how would we feel if we both got hit on? Or… how would we feel if we didn’t? LOL

So the take away, is talk! Imagine situations, and ask each other how would you handle it.

From our talking about this (oh, and btw, the week before we went for the first time, was incredible sex every night; an extra bonus!) we then set up a short list of rules we promised we’d abide by. We kept the list short (just three items) so that nobody could say ‘I forgot’! LOL

Rule 1

The bail out. If, for whatever reason… and I really mean that… whatever reason one of us doesn’t want to be there any more, we leave. Immediately. With ABSOLUTELY no recriminations from our partner. You see, it’s only fun if both of us are on the same page. And if we’re not, then it’s not fun for US. And it’s the ‘us’ part that brought us there, right? Right.

Rule 2

Stick Together. Unless I’m either at the washroom or standing at the bar getting a drink, we’re side by side the entire night. No wandering or exploring or anything. Someone starts to chat with me while I’m at the bar, as soon as my drink’s in my hand, toodle oo. Maybe it might come off as a little rude, but if it’s a rule, then it’s a rule.

Rule 3

Stretch Clause. If all’s going well, we agree that we’ll at least go into the play area. You have to strip down to a towel. Maybe we’ll make out with each other (or more….!) or just watch. But it’s an exciting thing to look forward to.

Okay then, you’ve talked each other’s ears off. You’ve made some rules, and you’re going. Now what?

Dress and clothing. What do I wear?

For your first time—attractive, but not necessarily alluring. Leave the skin tight, low cut knit dress at home. A nice skirt and top, low heels is fine for the first time. You can always amp it up when you go back! Guys, no jeans. NO sneakers for God’s sake! Shirt with a collar.

Booze.

This is probably one of the most important topics to discuss. If you’re half as nervous as I was the first night, you’re going to need two, maybe three drinks as soon as you guys get there! And that’s fine, but afterwards, watch the drinking. Pace yourselves!

I can’t overemphasize this. Have a couple to take the edge off, sure. But after that, pace yourselves. Under no circumstances get drunk! It affects (cough, cough) performance, should that come up (cough cough) but more importantly, it increases the odds of doing something you’d regret. Every time… every single time I witnessed a couple not having a good time, it was because one or both had too much to drink and something happened that set off the nerves.

At the risk of being too detailed oriented, I’m going to talk about what you can do when you’re there.

First of all, the people watching is the best! People on the dance floor become more and more uninhibited as the night wears on. If they have ‘body shots’ the night you’re there, it’s a hoot, and also incredibly erotic.

The DJ at the O Zone is awesome. You’ll be tempted to dance as much as you ever have. And you can practice your filthiest, dirtiest dancing you’ve ever imagined, and probably not get more than a second glance! I love dancing, and I love dancing at the O Zone more than any other place.

Expect to be checked out, hey, it is a sensual environment! But, also (and this is one of the most wonderful paradoxes about the O Zone) expect to be treated with as much respect and consideration as you would at a Church meeting. I’m not kidding!

Anyone that says ‘Hi!’ to you is not looking to jump in the sack. That was something that took me a while to understand. People are just friendly. They enjoy meeting new people as much as anyone else! What my husband Spike and I did say when we met new people was tell them we’re new and that the most we were ready for was soft swinging if that.

I didn’t mind saying my first time that the idea of getting naked in front of strangers was kind of scary. Which is ironic, because by the end of that first night, I tried walking to the bar topless, so things change!

One of our rules that my husband and I have had so far is that we don’t… erm… ‘Pick Up’ at the club. What I mean is that we don’t have sex with people we meet at the O Zone for the first time. We’ll dance, sure, and chat, sure, and get contact information SURE! It’s great having names and faces. But we don’t play the first time we meet new people. Even now, four years of being in the Lifestyle.

Again, Your Mileage May Vary.

At the end of the night, and the next morning, we talked a lot again. What did we enjoy the most? What could have been better? What would we like to do the next time we go?

And our sex life took a huge, stratospheric leap in frequency, passion and intimacy.

Finally, you don’t have to do it all the first time you visit the O Zone. They’re a great club, and will be glad to see you again, okay?

Go visit, take a walk on the wild side, and be prepared to have a great time with a group of great people. The O Zone will take care of the rest!

So what would you advise someone who was thinking about going to a Couple’s Club? Put them in the comments!

Always,

Mia Moore

Social Media: Feel free to visit with me online!

My Blog: http://miamooreauthor.blogspot.ca/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mia.moore.7503314

Introducing Guest Blogger and author Mia Moore!

Great news! We have a new feature to share with you on the O Zone Blog. We would like to introduce you to Mia Moore! She will be writing a regular column on the blog going forward – and she has a lot of interesting things to stay about the lifestyle! Stay tuned for her first post in the coming weeks!

Toronto swingers blog

About Mia Moore

In a lot of ways, I have been living the dream well before I published my first book. I’m married to a strong, intelligent and great looking man whose number one priority is to have my back. He rocks my world, and I love rocking his.

We’ve had some pretty hot adventures together, which were the inspiration for my first books.

Why do I write? I write for the same reason I love to read. Something happens and I’m swept away by the story. It didn’t happen right away when I began my first story, but it happened pretty quickly. It’s hard to describe… yes, I know, that’s a bad thing for an author to say but it’s true.

I write because I can’t not write. And I love it!

About My Writing

What can happen after Happy Ever After wears off? After the house is bought. The kids on the way. Bills start to pile up. Work gets harder.

Sometimes… time slips by and we get ‘caught up’.  If the picket fence needs a coat of paint, if the car needs a new set of tires… oh for God’s sake—if the sheets on the bed are getting a little worn at the edges… maybe some other stuff is too.

I write about everyday couples that are living normal lives. They have jobs—some have professional careers, homes, some even have kids. They have full lives. But something’s missing. And it used to be there, dammit.

In my books, my characters explore questions like: “How DO you fall for, get turned on again like you were first dating, but with someone who’s been farting in your bed for the last five, ten, or more years?”

Re-ignite the spark? Not the ‘I love you, here’s some flowers’ spark. Not the ‘I love you, here’s a bubble bath with candles’ spark.

Don’t get me wrong- I love flowers and bubble baths too. I’m NOT talking about ‘Date Night’ either. Don’t get me wrong—those are really important. Just hanging out with my husband is great. What I AM talking about here is something different than that.

I’m talking about ((((THAT))) spark.

The being wanted? No. The being desired? Nope. The being craved spark. Where your partner’s not just thinking about you… but where your partner is obsessed by you. The early sex was awesome, wasn’t it? That craving, and your craving being returned in spades. The kind of sex that stays with you for three days after.

I’m talking about thrills and chills. The chill that goes down your spine. The thrill of an adventure of a sexual nature unlike any they ever did before. And their love grows to new heights.

Those are the aspects of relationships I write about. The afterglow that lasts for three days.

Or a week.

So, what can happen after Happy Ever After?

Happier Ever After.

And, dear reader, that’s what I write about.

My Books:

I independently publish my books, and right now they’re available as eBooks at several online stores:

At Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Mia-Moore/e/B00HNY0EL6/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1

At All Romance eBooks: https://www.allromanceebooks.com/storeSearch.html

Social Media: Feel free to visit with me online!

My Blog: http://miamooreauthor.blogspot.ca/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mia.moore.7503314