Tag Archives: open relationship

Code Words in the LS to Keep You Safe

Safewords are more prevalent in the BDSM lifestyle, but what about for swingers? Surely there is a time when you want to indicate to your partner that you’re a NO for what’s being offered without offending the person or couple who are offering. Maybe it’s dancing and flirting with a couple on the dance floor, and your partner is like ‘Yes? You’re interested in this person to play with tonight?” You may not want to say out loud, “No, I’m not interested” in front of them and ruin the mood or offend them. So what can you do?

Some couples have code words worked out for just such a scenario. One couple I spoke to said they use fruits as an indicator. She doesn’t like lime, so might say something like ‘I taste lime in this drink’, or ‘with a lime twist’, to indicate she’s just not feeling it with this person. With a quick comment (or even a quick whispered word “Lime” in his ear) they have communicated clearly and without offending the other couple.

Likewise, when she is interested and would like to take it further, she uses ‘strawberry’ as their positive identifier. “Boy, it would be great to have some strawberries right now!” or “I smell strawberries!” and he knows he can help move the action from the dance floor to the playroom.

Using code words between you and your partner could help take some of the awkwardness out of communicating in front of others. It’s hard to say “Honey, while these people seem perfectly nice, I’m just not interested in them.” but dropping a code word that no one but your partner knows and understand is harmless and won’t hurt anyone’s feelings.

In the kink community, they use stoplight colors to indicate a willingness to participate. Green means GO, obviously. One could use this too while at a swing club “Oh look at that couple over there. I’m GREEN with envy over her shoes!”

Yellow usually indicates something is just not quite right and is often used as an indicator that play needs to slow down. Again, in swinging this could be good to extract yourselves from play that may have already started but you no longer are feeling it, and want to stop or take a break.

And Red is an All Stop safeword. In BDSM it is expected that if one says Red as a safeword, all play halts. Both or all participants can use a safeword, not just the bottom or sub. Likewise, in the swinging lifestyle, Red can be used to indicate to your partner that ‘you gotta get me out of here now!’ or ‘I am NOT into this and I am done.’

Of course, you and your partner should have this all worked out before you arrive at a club or party, so you are on the same page and you’re not throwing out code words that they aren’t picking up on it. Use words that aren’t likely to be used at a party or event, but aren’t so out of the blue (like saying ‘Broccoli’) that the other person or couple are left scratching their heads. Also, avoid using ‘boner killer’ words or phrases, like ‘your mother called today’, or it could kill the mood entirely.

This trick isn’t for everyone obviously. But if you think it might work for you, talk to your partner about it and come up with some safe or code words that just the two of you use. If nothing else, it’ll bring you closer together as honest and open communication skills are a cornerstone for the swinging lifestyle.

Good luck and have fun!

Swinger Dictionary

An image of a book highlighting the word Dictionary

There are a lot of words used in the swinging Lifestyle that you may be unfamiliar with. Here are some of those, and an explanation.

Swingers – Non-monogamous people looking for sexual interaction, at least on some level, with others that are not their spouse. Swingers are most commonly committed or married couples, but singles can also partake in the swinging lifestyle.

Soft Swap – Meaning no penetrative sex, but most other sexual acts are open for negotiation, such as flirting, kissing, oral or mutual masturbation.

Full Swap – Interested in any or all sexual acts, including penetration.

Same Room – Couples who are interested in playing with others but in the same room where they can make eye contact with their partner.

Compersion – The opposite of jealousy. The feeling of excitement and fulfillment for your partner while they play with others.

Ellis (LS) – A universal way of asking another if they are swingers. “Do you know Ellis?” Some also use “Alice”, both sound like “LS”. LS = Lifestyle

Unicorn – A single, bisexual woman interested in playing with and having sex with couples.

Bull – A single man, usually well hung, who is interested in penetrative sex with women, often while the husband watches.

Cuckold – A married man who watches nearby as his wife has sex with another man, but usually does not become involved.

Hotwife – A wife who will have sex with other men, often while her husband is nearby. A hotwife is often insatiable, wanting and needing more sex than her partner.

Monogamish – A couple who attend events to flirt and meet others but rarely play might consider themselves ‘monogamish’, meaning mostly monogamous.

Swingle – A single that wishes to attend a couples event will invite a single of the opposite sex to attend with them, and they become ‘swingles’, even though they attend the event together.

Negotiation – Speaking clearly and plainly about what it is you are looking for, listening to what they want, and agreeing to a plan everyone likes.

Comet – A person that passes through your life quickly and is gone. Comets are popular on vacation, where you may not ever see them again.

Swinger Soup – A pool or hot tub that is full to capacity with swingers socializing, flirting and playing.

We hope this list helps you to understand some of the lingo used by swingers today, and that some potentially resonate with you!

Turn Offs in Women in the Swing Lifestyle

I came across a Forum on a Swinger Dating site, and after running through more than 60 responses I figured this would be a good thing to consolidate and share with you!

The question is: What Turn Offs do you find in Women in the Lifestyle?

In most cases, I was unable to determine if it was a man or woman responding to the question, but at least a few were definitely female responses. I’m sure most of this list applies to turn-offs in women AND men, so guys, listen up too!

In the first category, these issues were mentioned often and were repeated by others.

A row of smiling beings with one unhappy one

Bad Attitude

Predominant Turn Offs:
Poor, Pissy or Pretentious attitude, being rude
Poor hygiene, smelly/BO, smelling of smoke
Lying, spreading rumors, speaking poorly/rudely about others
Speaking badly about their own bodies, poor self-image

A woman in a hoodie smoking a cigarette

A smelly habit

Things on the Secondary list were mentioned at least twice but not as often as the first group.

Secondary Turn Offs:
Clingy, jealousy, Drama Queens
Say they are ready but aren’t, can’t communicate what she wants
Strong perfume, heavy makeup, lipstick
Smelling of alcohol or cigarettes
Poor grooming, unshaved/unruly hair
Teasers, mind games
Lack of subtlety, pushy, rude, arrogance
Attention seekers, need to be center of attention
Being drunk or high

Honorable Mentions: (only mentioned in one response)
Fake nails, wigs/weaves
Jewelry like a Xmas tree
Ugly feet
Perfume and lipstick
“lacking a pulse”/dead fish

Funny that there is nothing in this list that state size, race, color, age, stretch marks, scars or any of the other hangups so many of us have are a turn-off. So perhaps the problem is our own and not that of the general swinger population. If you have low self-esteem, keep it to yourself.

It seems that most of this list is manageable, and are things one can change to make themselves more attractive. Check your attitude at the door, ditch the artificial scent (most prospective play partners would rather smell YOU than your perfume) and put your best foot forward! (of course, we can’t do anything about the feet we were born with. I think the “ugly feet” comment was probably from a foot fetishist!)

If you are new to this lifestyle, maybe this will help you in beginning your exploration.

Perhaps this insight will help you in your quest for marital bliss. Or at least swingers bliss!